September 16, 2011

A Letter to Marshmallow.

Dear Marshmallow,

You are growing too fast! You're nearing 3 months old, and I can't believe it. Time is flying by, and sometimes I wish it would slow down. It's hard to believe you were once the baby in my womb, who stuck his butt in my ribs so hard it hurt; or who kicked me all night starting at 3 a.m., and I could never get any sleep. Now you have retained so many of those first personality traits - you still like to kick kick kick, and when you lay cuddled up on my chest, your little butt sticks out in the air! I could always feel your hand by your face, and your ultrasound showed you sucking your thumb - and now you can't even sleep without at least one hand next to your face. I can't believe I lived my life so far without knowing you. Now that you're here, it feels like you always have been a part of me.

In 2 months you grew only a mere 2 inches and almost 4 pounds, but you feel twice as big. Every tiny little milestone you reach feels like the biggest accomplishment. I can't believe the relief I felt when we finally got rid of your jaundice, I was so worried about you. You were brand new to this world and I felt like I had already messed up! I was so heartbroken that you didn't want to breastfeed, like I let you down, but it wasn't about me. You needed to be healthy! Just seeing you open your eyes was awesome - finally catching a glimpse of those blue eyes (I hope they stay that color!) in daylight. Those sleep smiles, they were so precious - and now that you actually smile AT us, it's the biggest affirmation that we're doing something right. That you don't know what love is, but you LOVE us. You LOVE me. You need me as much as I need you.

I feel like every day that goes by, it's never enough. Did I spend enough time with you? Am I wrong for wanting you to nap so I can do chores? Wasted time! I am so lucky that I can be home with you, and watch you grow. I feel bad that sometimes I need a break away from you (but I think you need a break from me too). Why do you smile bigger when your Daddy gets home? Sometimes it makes me feel like you love him more, but maybe it's just because you miss him. And as much as I need a break sometimes, I miss you so much when I do - sometimes when you're sleeping I just miss you so much, I'm almost crazy enough to go pick you up from your crib. But you're sleeping so peacefully, I shouldn't wake you up!

I can't wait for you to be a little older. All the fun crafts we'll do, the places we'll go and the things I'll teach you. Even just to get to know you more, to see how your personality develops and flourishes, the beautiful little boy you will be. I can't wait to show you what an amazing mom I will be to you, and hopefully you won't forget and hate me one day. On the other hand, I want to freeze this moment and you'll never grow up. You can always be my sweet little baby boy.

Soon you'll start rolling over. Then sitting up. Then crawling. And walking. And talking. And I will just have to take each day as it comes knowing I can't stop or slow time. You are amazing and worth every ache & pain, fear & frustration I felt for that long 9 months. I don't think I could love you anymore than I already do, but I know I will.

Your Mommy

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